My Nanook is gone – her demise was sudden – ! can’t stop wailing feeling such loss at how much she means to me… almost howling actually …. more mehowling – she was in such vibrant health and so suddenly taken from life.
I was awoken around 4:30 am when it happened by the sound of a thud when she was hit. I did not make the connection of the sound that woke me to her being hit until the next day, slowly, inkling it’s way into my consciousness.
She was missing from her usual spot. She is… was always in bed with me when i wake/woke up in the morning, has been every night since we began cohabiting. It all seems so unreal to be speaking of her in the past tense as I weep through tears to write this. She may just be enjoying the sunrise out on the porch I thought but found no sign of her anywhere I could go in my nightgown. Trying not to panic hysterically I stood at the windows from the second floor calling her name, letting her know I am up, trying to chase bad thoughts out of my consciousness. She had never gone missing for more than a few minutes at most before. When she did not return I dressed and headed out to look for her, maybe I would find her out there wounded on the side of the road somewhere. I hoped, but my heart sank with every block i peddled on my bike hollering her name, then stopping to listen for her reply, she never did. I knew she was in a very bad way I could sense it with every cell of my being. Vanished into thin air? I had to find her. Next place I thought of looking I called and found her there at the Humane Society in very bad condition. Her head bashed, skull fractured, jaw broken, shoulder shattered and front legs broken. I fell to my knees while on the phone learning her condition was very bad when she was brought in at 4:44. as it suddenly dawned on me that the sound that woke me up was her being injured. I made my way to her and she held on till I got there I think she recognized me in her final moments – i gave her one last ear squeeze, her most favorite thing, and sent her off in bliss…
It was 12 years ago I went to visit my sister for Halloween when her cat had just had a batch of kittens – 8 weeks old. The only calico one of the bunch came to me, the others ignored me. This kitten chose me, she nibbled my baby toe wanting to suck it and screeched her own unique mehowrl. She would not leave me, so she came home with me and to the lord master Frodo – he taught her everything a yorkie needed to know – except that she was a cat. She discovered this in the spring when she went outside for the first time and realized she could climb trees – annoying Frodo all to hell. They spent their days in and out of the house in total freedom (within the confines of the fenced yard) on our land.
Nanook learned to stay safe she needed to avoid the nest of rattlers in the rock pile out back but Frodo never learned to avoid the skunks. He reveled in Nanook’s hunting abilities and she often shared the kill with him tho he seldom ate it. Frodo went on to others needing him a few years ago but Nanook remained with me or with someone holding her for me while i found a place for her and I. Living with pets one needs to be very selective of their environment. As a home owner pet ownership was easy – not so as a tenant as i discovered after I sold our home. Finding pet friendly accommodations has been a veritable challenge to say the least. At one point Nanook even had to share a home with a cat unfriendly dog or two or three! Lastly our home for over a year has been cat heaven with a field of mice, chipmunks galore, and her last bird was a partridge. She got the meat I saved the feathers. She has been one of my greatest teachers
Just when the loss of her felt unbearable I received this message from a friend on facebook
Abundance, my heart goes out to you, for it is so evident the physical and cognitive loss that you are experiencing with Nanook, What a magnificent cat. In short, just yesterday it was confirmed that my beloved companions clock is ticking. Excellent idea to go for a swim as you know it will help you to breathe, relax and allow your cognittive sense to reminisce with Nanook, one on one, as it was time for Nanook to move on yet will always be a part of you. The connection between the two of you is very strong, how wonderful to have had the opportunity to share time together in the physical sense. Maybe just maybe Nanook moving on is a positive thing, for the two of you, as maybe Nanook knew that his/her Love, Needs, sharing, learning, very special companion, positive healing energy helped you for the time allowed needed and shared, and it was not only the time for Nanook to move on to another adventure a different spectrum and knew it was time for you needed and it is time for you to move on to a different adventure as well. Just remember Nanook will always be with you in Spirit, Abundance. My Love, my Heart, my positive energy is being sent to you wrapped with warm calmness. I hope what I am sending you came out right for you to understand. My mind is in a cocoon, or a daze right now, so apologies if it didn’t come out right. I Just care, and literally know and feel what you are going thru, I’ve been through it, and am faced with It again. Take care always, Abundance,
to which I replied
I hear exactly what you are saying and it is with tremendous gratitude that I read your words of compassion and understanding! I feel so blissed having had her guidance over all of these years. it would be selfish of me to want that sort of companionship from her all to myself forever – others should know it too. We communicated very well together, verbally, telepathically and through touch. she has taught me so much about spirit, about life. in hindsight she gave warning signs… making sure she said her final farewells to those she loved… including me – hanging on until i got there to have a final goodby… bringing me birds so i would have the feathers and she the meat. her last one was a partridge! in preparation for the upcoming shift in our lives … we knew it was coming but i thought we’d be shifting together. now with only this physical unit to move around i have been freed in ways i had not even fathomed i was restricted in before. and as my stars would have it i am predestined to have these intense tragic endings to life stages. deep dark painful deaths only for the phoenix to rise again from it’s own ashes to be reborn again, stronger, wiser and more free each time to soar to even greater joys in this adventure of life – it’s ups and downs are here to guide us in the direction of our greatest good. I sense the loss of her physically has not removed her aura, still, missing her physically greeting me at the door talkative and affectionate wanting a belly rub on entry….the signal she gave by the pressure she exerted with her tail on my legs to let me know what it was she wanted at that particular moment in time … i keep expecting her to bounce in through the window on the door with a thump the way she always did are the things i sorely miss right now. – she was part of my every moment at home we were cohabitants i miss brushing her – her favorite pastime. I have howled the sorrow out of my lungs for the last 24 hours, this will continue til it’s released … after i awoke at that “thud” time again, 4am still dark out, read and found solace enough in my friend’s words to go back to sleep sleep and Nanook came to me then. She showed me the damage she had suffered in ways i could not see as it was covered by her skin and fur – half her face was missing, there was just a huge red hole where her eye used to be. She was missing parts. She showed me how bad it really was and that surrendering her to euthanasia was for her greatest good.